FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS HOW TO PROVIDE SUPPORT TO THE VICTIM Remember that there is no magical or right thing to say which will make everything all right. Your caring and support are the most important gifts you can share. Respect a victim's need to talk, to you or to others, and avoid pushing him/her to talk before he/she is ready. When the victim is ready to talk, be there to listen. Good listening involves not only hearing what someone is saying, but also empathizing with them--putting yourself in their place. A good listener doesn't quickly jump in with answers or solutions. Setting aside plenty of free time to simply listen to the victim's thoughts and feelings is one of the best ways to offer support. You may want to withhold your own feelings if they are extreme. Allow the victim to express his/her full range of feelings without fear of condemnation or criticism. There is no right or wrong reaction to rape. Be patient with the different emotions and behaviors, even if they seem uncharacteristic of him/her. Many of the responses will be normal reactions to trauma. If you are worried about the victim's responses to the rape, call ORCC to discuss your concerns. Be aware of comments which try to distract or discount what the victim is feeling. Comments such as, "Try to keep busy and think about something else," or "Don't worry, everything will be all right," may make him/her feel unheard. If you are unsure how to respond to the victim, express your concerns and ask how you can best provide support. Honest and caring communication can help you through this crisis. Avoid prying or pressing for details about the attack. Let the victim open up at his/her own pace. Avoid asking questions out of your own interest or curiosity. Remember that your main goal is the victim's recovery. Avoid comments or questions which imply blame. Asking questions like "Why didn't you scream?" or "What were you doing there in the first place?" will only make the victim feel that he/she is somehow responsible for the assault. Be willing to assist with medical and legal concerns. ORCC advocates can provide information, but the victim may also need a friend during these times. Assist the victim in feeling safe and minimizing the risk of future assaults. Help him/her develop a safety plan and help carry out ideas and suggest options when asked. Support the victim in regaining control of his/her life. The act of rape has temporarily taken away the victim's personal control and choice. You can help him/her to regain that control by encouraging him/her to make his/her own decisions. It is important that victims make their own choices ranging from what to eat and wear to major decisions such as reporting to the police and prosecuting. Although you may want to help by doing things for him/her, this just reinforces that he/she has lost control. Any ideas that you have can be posed as suggestions for consideration instead of advice. For example, you might ask, "Do you think you might feel better if you had someone stay with you tonight?" or "What do you think will happen if you don't report to the police?" Accept the victim's decisions even if you disagree. Support the victim's decision to choose who to tell about the rape and when to tell them. Do not discourage the victim from telling certain people. Although you may not want to upset a particular family member, by keeping secrets you are implying that the rape is too shameful to talk about. Remember that rape is a crime that happened to the victim, and he/she is not responsible if other people become upset. The crime will, of course, be painful to those who care about the victim, but it is not his/her responsibility to protect them. If children are involved, they may know or sense that something has happened. It is important that they have someone to talk to about their feelings as well. Seeking professional help may be important in helping children deal with the assault. Recognize your own limitations and encourage the victim to seek help with someone trained in rape counseling. ORCC can provide individual support and can also make counseling referrals. While the support you provide as a friend or loved one is crucial and cannot be replaced, she may also benefit from professional counseling.