FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS ABOUT RAPE Rape is a crime which deeply affects not only the victim, but everyone close to him/her as well. Family members, partners, close friends, and even work and school acquaintances may have a difficult time understanding and coping with what has occurred. This information is for you, the secondary survivor. Facts About Rape It is important to recognize that secondary survivors are subject to the same myths and misconceptions about rape as the general public. Society's messages about rape are very pervasive, and you may have unknowingly internalized some of these messages. Rape myths focus more attention on the sexual component of the rape than on the criminal violence. Educating yourself will help you avoid or change attitudes which can re-victimize your loved one. FACT: Rape is an act of control and humiliation. It is NOT making love. Making love involves consent, while in rape, the victim has had his/her right to consent taken away. Rape is the complete violation of a person's body and ability to make a sexual choice. Rape is violence which is expressed in a sexual manner. This is not to be confused with consenting sexual activity. FACT: Most victims fear injury or even death during rape. Many rapes involve threats of bodily harm to the victim or loved ones. Victims may suffer severe physical injury. Threats of violence are often magnified by the presence of a weapon and intimidating verbal abuse. Victims may respond with differing degrees of resistance depending upon the situation. Some victims report having been paralyzed by fear. Others believed that resistance was futile or would result in greater injury. It is important to remember that the victim did the best that he or she could, and the fact that the victim survived the rape shows great strength and courage. FACT: Women do not provoke rape by their appearance and actions. Rapists admit that they look for someone who is accessible and somehow vulnerable. It matters little to them how old the woman is, how she is dressed, what she was doing, or what her lifestyle is. What matters to the rapist is getting and maintaining control over the victim. Thinking that the victim is somehow responsible for the rape will emotionally separate the two of you at a time when the need for emotional support is greatest. FACT: Most rapes are planned. Rapists are typically repeat offenders and often become very skilled at isolating their victims. The situation often turns violent before the individual realizes he/she is in danger. You may at first question the victim's role in the rape, but it is important to remember that only the rapist is to blame. Rape is a deliberate and violent crime. FACT: The rape victim is in NO way responsible for his/her victimization. No one asks to be humiliated and controlled and to have their rights taken away. No one wants to be degraded and terrorized on the most intimate level. Certainly no one asks to be threatened, verbally abused or physically hurt. A myth about rape is that the victim could have somehow prevented the rape by doing something differently. Only the rapist could prevent the rape. In each unique rape situation, the victim does what he/she must do to survive.