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WORKING
THROUGH YOUR OWN FEELINGS
When you
are close to someone who has been raped, you will undoubtedly experience
a variety of emotions. You may have strong feelings about the victim, the
rapist, and yourself. At a time when you most want to help the victim through
the crisis, you may be dealing with a crisis of your own.
While your first priority may be to help the victim, remember that you also
need to take care of yourself. Working through your own feelings and reactions
will not only help you but will also help the victim. Experience tells us
that a person who receives emotional support from those he/she is closest
to will work through the healing process more quickly than those who do
not have that support.
One of the first steps in helping yourself is finding a support person to
talk to. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with a trusted confidante--a
friend, family member, ORCC advocate, counselor, or minister can help you
to work through this trauma. Some of your thoughts and feelings could be
hurtful if expressed to the victim. It will be helpful for you to have a
safe person with whom you can vent all of your feelings and discuss any
of the rape myths which you believe. When you directly express your thoughts
and feelings to your support person, you will reduce the risk of acting
in ways or saying things which can hurt the survivor.
If your usual confidante is the victim, it will be important for you to
seek out and talk to a third party. The victim will be coping with his/her
own feelings and will not need the added concern of feeling responsible
for your distress. Later there will be times when you will share your feelings
with the victim, and you will be glad that you have sorted out your own
thoughts and emotions before talking with each other.
Often the immediate reactions of secondary victims place added stress on
the victim. Therefore, it is helpful to be aware of common reactions to
rape so that you can deal with these thoughts and feelings outside of the
victim's presence.
- Secondary victims often
report feeling very angry. They may feel anger for the rapist and even
some anger toward the victim. If you are angry with the victim, you
may be holding him/her responsible for the rape. If you find yourself
blaming him/her for what happened, criticizing him/her for not being
more careful, or doubting the truth of his/her story, please talk to
someone about your feelings. It will not be helpful at this time to
share your doubts with him/her.
- Work to understand
your anger. You may feel helpless about what has happened, and you may
be trying to understand this terrible crime. Learn the facts about rape
and begin to place your anger where it belongs toward the rapist and
our rape culture. Many secondary victims are eventually able to channel
their anger into more productive outlets, for example, finding ways
in which they can combat rape, speaking to groups, volunteering their
time to agencies serving victims, writing letters to improve legislative
action, etc.
- Feeling anger toward
the rapist is a very normal reaction to rape; however, expressing intent
to harm or kill the rapist only adds to the victim's anxiety. Even if
you have no real intent to seek revenge, expressing this desire to the
victim will add to his/her stress. He/she may feel the need to calm
and reassure you at a time when he/she needs the support and reassurance.
He/she will also worry about your safety and possible legal problems
if you should seek retribution. Offer your gentle support and talk about
your feelings for revenge with your own support person or ORCC advocate.
- Those close to a rape
victim commonly experience feelings of guilt for their perceived failure
to protect their loved one. Secondary victims often remark that they
should have somehow prevented the rape. It will be important for you
to be kind to yourself and stop blaming yourself for something that
you could not have prevented. Although you are unable to change the
past, you can make a difference in what happens to the victim now, and
that is a very important role.
- Some secondary survivors
attempt to support the victim by being overprotective. Trying to "take
care of" the victim reinforces feelings of helplessness. Making decisions
for the victim, being too protective of the victim, or encouraging him/her
to limit activities prevents the victim from mobilizing his/her own
coping skills. You can provide support as the victim creates his/her
own adaptive strategies to stay safe and to heal from the rape.
- Secondary victims sometimes
hope to help the victim by distracting them from what has happened.
You may be tempted to keep your loved one preoccupied by going shopping
or taking a vacation. While distraction may have short-term therapeutic
benefits, when taken to the extreme it can prevent him/her from mourning
personal loss. This distraction can deny opportunities for healthy communication
and emotional support.
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