FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS WORKING THROUGH YOUR OWN FEELINGS When you are close to someone who has been raped, you will undoubtedly experience a variety of emotions. You may have strong feelings about the victim, the rapist, and yourself. At a time when you most want to help the victim through the crisis, you may be dealing with a crisis of your own. While your first priority may be to help the victim, remember that you also need to take care of yourself. Working through your own feelings and reactions will not only help you but will also help the victim. Experience tells us that a person who receives emotional support from those he/she is closest to will work through the healing process more quickly than those who do not have that support. One of the first steps in helping yourself is finding a support person to talk to. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with a trusted confidante--a friend, family member, ORCC advocate, counselor, or minister can help you to work through this trauma. Some of your thoughts and feelings could be hurtful if expressed to the victim. It will be helpful for you to have a safe person with whom you can vent all of your feelings and discuss any of the rape myths which you believe. When you directly express your thoughts and feelings to your support person, you will reduce the risk of acting in ways or saying things which can hurt the survivor. If your usual confidante is the victim, it will be important for you to seek out and talk to a third party. The victim will be coping with his/her own feelings and will not need the added concern of feeling responsible for your distress. Later there will be times when you will share your feelings with the victim, and you will be glad that you have sorted out your own thoughts and emotions before talking with each other. Often the immediate reactions of secondary victims place added stress on the victim. Therefore, it is helpful to be aware of common reactions to rape so that you can deal with these thoughts and feelings outside of the victim's presence. Secondary victims often report feeling very angry. They may feel anger for the rapist and even some anger toward the victim. If you are angry with the victim, you may be holding him/her responsible for the rape. If you find yourself blaming him/her for what happened, criticizing him/her for not being more careful, or doubting the truth of his/her story, please talk to someone about your feelings. It will not be helpful at this time to share your doubts with him/her. Work to understand your anger. You may feel helpless about what has happened, and you may be trying to understand this terrible crime. Learn the facts about rape and begin to place your anger where it belongs toward the rapist and our rape culture. Many secondary victims are eventually able to channel their anger into more productive outlets, for example, finding ways in which they can combat rape, speaking to groups, volunteering their time to agencies serving victims, writing letters to improve legislative action, etc. Feeling anger toward the rapist is a very normal reaction to rape; however, expressing intent to harm or kill the rapist only adds to the victim's anxiety. Even if you have no real intent to seek revenge, expressing this desire to the victim will add to his/her stress. He/she may feel the need to calm and reassure you at a time when he/she needs the support and reassurance. He/she will also worry about your safety and possible legal problems if you should seek retribution. Offer your gentle support and talk about your feelings for revenge with your own support person or ORCC advocate. Those close to a rape victim commonly experience feelings of guilt for their perceived failure to protect their loved one. Secondary victims often remark that they should have somehow prevented the rape. It will be important for you to be kind to yourself and stop blaming yourself for something that you could not have prevented. Although you are unable to change the past, you can make a difference in what happens to the victim now, and that is a very important role. Some secondary survivors attempt to support the victim by being overprotective. Trying to "take care of" the victim reinforces feelings of helplessness. Making decisions for the victim, being too protective of the victim, or encouraging him/her to limit activities prevents the victim from mobilizing his/her own coping skills. You can provide support as the victim creates his/her own adaptive strategies to stay safe and to heal from the rape. Secondary victims sometimes hope to help the victim by distracting them from what has happened. You may be tempted to keep your loved one preoccupied by going shopping or taking a vacation. While distraction may have short-term therapeutic benefits, when taken to the extreme it can prevent him/her from mourning personal loss. This distraction can deny opportunities for healthy communication and emotional support.

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